Tonight I celebrated what might be my last night in the US for a long time. It’s been strange to realize this – I’ve considered the US my ‘home base’ for over five years now.
This is the country where I learned to be (somewhat) self-sufficient. It is where I learned to drive. To earn money and spend it wisely. To take care of a house and make it a home. To take care of myself (still a work in progress).
Obviously, it’s all a work in progress, and always will be. People are never complete, but some of my most transformative moments have taken place here in NYC and in SF, and now I might not come back. I might never live in the US again – I probably will, but there is a chance that I won’t.
All this is because I’m flying home to Sao Paulo tomorrow and might be committing to being there until I go to graduate school. Considering that my first choice for graduate school is in the UK….
Of course, after having spent a day with my whole family, and of being reminded of how much independence I lose when I go home, I started applying for jobs wherever I could find them. Sao Paulo, Virginia, Turkey, Georgia (the country, not the state). This is not a comment on my parents – I love them dearly. I am also a horrible brat when I am around them. I lose my temper in a way I would never do around friends. I become protective over my stuff in a way I never am when I live away from home. I get grumpy and take it out on other people. All my negative traits show up when I live at home.
It is all in compensation for losing my independence. Suddenly, I have no control over anything. What I eat, wear or even where I go and how I get there falls out of my hands. It is like standing in the shallow break of the waves at the beach and feeling the sand get moved around under your feet with each wave until you’ve sunken further and further in to the ground. With each day at home, I become accustomed to the loss of self-sufficiency and become more reliant on my parents. Will I be a teenager again after 8 months at home?
What a terrifying thought. And that is why I applied for all those jobs, and will continue to apply for more.
I wish I could live alone. I wish I had a job that would let me be financially independent and therefore socially independent. Well…. if wishes were fishes I’d be a really good fisherman.
It’s late. I’m going to bed now. Good night chair, goodnight fette sau, goodnight plants, good night moon, goodnight America.
I’m almost done with On the Road…. it’s so enthusiastic I fall asleep while I read it.