Sometimes I feel like I can’t really explain my life very well, even to myself.
“Where are you from?” I sometimes answer with a lie – the easiest answer. “USA. New York”. People don’t really question that answer… I look and sound American enough to get away with it, but I feel guilty each time I commit the small lie.
“Where do you live now?” “In India.” “What?! That’s so cool!”
“Where were you before?” “In New York. Before that it was Scotland and before that, Sao Paulo, San Francisco, and New York again.”
“Oh, wow. Where’s next for you then?” “I don’t know. It’s a big/small world.”
“Where’s next” is the biggest question now, as I am officially on the job hunt for August 2015.
I constantly wrestle with my sense of third-culture homelessness as my sense of the world shrinks and expands. Home is my family. It is also a place where I feel that particular lightness in my chest and relaxation in my soul when I think of leaving the house and going for a walk.
My sister and I spent last week in Bangkok and Myanmar. It was eye and soul opening in a tremendous way, as we learned so much about a culture that has remained largely unaffected by the encroaching Western World. I learned so much about Buddhism than I had ever expected and found myself entranced by the practice and belief as it exists there so much so that I want to go back and learn more.
I never would have gone to Myanmar if I had not moved to India. I never would have gone to Nepal or Sri Lanka. Obviously I can’t say “Never” in full honesty, but it would have been incredibly unlikely. So in the throes of deciding where to go next, I am trying to keep an open heart and mind.
I am trying to remember that though my soul yearns for a specific place, I have had incredible opportunities come out of the relatively snap decision made a year and a half ago to move to Mumbai. I have trekked the Himalayas, explored tea plantations and seen the land of the thousand Pagodas.
I cannot fathom the marks that saying “yes” to living in India has left on my soul.
Where will I say “Yes” to next? I don’t know. I don’t know what my choices will be. I know where I want to go, but I have no idea if that’s even the best place for me. I don’t know where I will go but I know I’ll do my best to embrace it.