I love teaching. I honestly do. I can be having the worst day, and a kid will say something to break it and let some warmth in. I enjoy seeing how their minds work and grow and expand. I like the mental struggle, the gymnastics, of trying to make a topic fun and interesting, rather than well-worn and rote. It is hard work that I enjoy and if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it.

I am exhausted.

I have made so many mistakes in this past term, and they bear fruit in exam season.

Rookie mistakes, but it’s okay, because, as everyone tells me, I am a rookie.

I try to forgive myself for them. But that feeling of watching a mind expand and make connections? There is an opposite. It’s watching a mind be confused and uncertain, because something isn’t clear. For teenagers, confusion and uncertainty are devastating. They need grounding and solidity and there are times when I haven’t given them that.

I am not asking for pity or sympathy. I am acknowledging my errors. I am human and I have made mistakes. Some small and some large.

I ask my students to acknowledge their errors. I ask them, Do you see where you went wrong here? How can you avoid this next time? What can you do differently? I need to do it myself.

I need to acknowledge that I am not suited to on-the-fly planning. That I can be careless. That I need to sit down and think a thing all the way through, the way I like to, rather than responding to pressure and flying by the seat of my pants.

I need, at the end of my first term at a new school, with a new (significantly more challenging) job, to look back and see where I went wrong, so I can avoid it next time and do things differently.

Right now though, I am so tired. I am worn to the bone and my restless mind is so used to being left on cruise control that it seems to have forgotten where the brakes are.


This entry was posted in critical thought, criticism, education, personal, Teachers, teaching and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Rookie

  1. Pai says:

    you are a lucky girl Ca, to love what you are a smart girl to acknowledge that you are not a “know it all” and wise to be humble and learn from mistakes..Pai

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